18.11.2018
While watching one of my favourite shows the other night I found myself in tears.
I often feel like a failure.
If I had of known what health and fitness would have become 22 years ago I doubt I would have followed that path.
I get so lost in what to do and where to start. I want to do it all.
The pain, hurt and sadness in the world makes me want to help. An animal is in pain or I see someone care and heal one that is suffering (like the most amazing soul Dr Noel Fitzpatrick, who truly puts the human in humanity) and I want to be able to heal. I’ve considered studying animal medicine.
I see a young person hurting, alone or feeling lost in the world and I want to stand with them and be their human to help them light the way on their path. I’ve considered studying social and youth work.
I see people who are ill, in pain or suffering and I want to be able to heal. I’ve considered studying nursing and medicine.
I see elderly who see who are on their way to the next life and I want to sit with them, listen to them and show them they are valued. I’ve considered studying aged care or within palliative care.
I see the environmental destruction and I struggle to understand why still so many of us as a collective don’t care enough or feel that deep pain when seeing the absolute beauty of earth being damaged. I’ve considered studying environmental science.
I see people who are so sad, are struggling, who need support, guidance and someone to listen and care and I wish for everyone to feel valued and how life is a gift and that they matter more than they will ever know. I’ve considered studying psychology.
I see lack of common sense in general and want to be able to really influence and be a part of change. I’ve considered studying politics.
I know I appear to be so strong, happy, courageous and independent (and I am), but the paradox of my entire self is that I am at the same time a lost and shattered soul. I struggle constantly with the world and humanity. I love humans but at the same time hate humanity. I love and see the best in people but at the same time I absolutely hate society and often don’t know how to be a part of the world.
I try to be social and involved but the majority of the time I honestly much rather the simplicity of being at home with my husband and dogs.
I know I’m eternally good and try my best but I also battle my deep thinking mind that tells me that I am a failure and I should have done more to help.
I’m not depressed or suicidal so please don’t be concerned, however it took me a long time to make sense of this feeling of wanting to ‘go home’ and that I don’t belong here.
I am so grateful for the gift of being a lifelong leaner as I honestly, without a doubt, believe that reading and my insatiable desire to learn, grow myself, and build my mind to know more has been what has saved me; along with music, the little bits of beauty left in the world of people doing wonderful things, and of course my husband and dogs.
Eventually I do think I want to disappear off the grid in favour of the simple life, and with a small meaningful role in society or job that adds value to the world in some way.
A deeper way, not surface.